Table feels violated after local move

by Catherine Rubino

"Help help," I cried! "but the movers weren't listening. They just flipped me over and carried me out of the house and into a truck!" Two guys, carrying me out by my legs! No gentle, be careful through the door, or watch it around the corner talk either. Just hoist it up and away we go!

Those were the sentiments of all of the furniture last week on Theronious Street experiencing a local move.

And it wasn't just the tables who felt violated.

"It's always like this," said one chair. "They just pick you up and walk off with you, throw your cushions on the floor, not caring how you feel or anything. There you are, helpless and upsidedown, with no one to hear your screams." Says Leaf Side Table, "they wrapped me tight with plastic roll, so tight I couldn't breathe! Then they hoisted me into the truck, dragging my base across the floor, scrapping a fresh scratch into Oak Floor! Poor Oak Floor. He's been terribly abused! He's been scratched and stomped on. They even threw rolls of used up tape him!"

The complaints and squeals continued for four long tortuous hours, as the furniture was systematically wrapped up, tipped over and heaved out of the house. Some furniture reported dings, others had scrapes, a few even had loose screws and cracked legs.

But no matter how much the inanimate objects cried, no human being heard them.

"Equal rights are good thing, but they haven't extended to inanimate objects," Says table lawyer Walnut Veneer. "Humans barely care about each other, much less animals and plants. How can they even begin to think about how we pieces of furniture feel? We're sat on, jumped on, shoved around the room. Sometimes they even drip paint on us or smear in gross stuff like jelly and crumbs. We have no dignity, we have no rights. And when our springs pop, they THROW US AWAY!

Rose had a rough day. They even broker her slats! No apology of course, just the usual,grunt. 'I guess we'll have to fix her later.' (see photo)

Seen here, Rose Woodining Table, in compromising position worth a million bucks lawsuit if only furniture could sue! She has four puncture wounds to her right underside due to lack of care when flipping her over. She needs extensive repair, including filling her wounds with a quick dry wood replacement, redrilling four holes, and putting her slats back on screw at a time. It's costly, time consuming, and most undignified for this 60 year old French Country Style Dining Table. And what's worse, repairs like this are often made in back alleys, by amature fixit gurus who buy over the counter supplies at the neighborhood hardware supply shop. Hardly the type of professional loving care a table of this distiction deserves at her age.

"I just hope and pray for the day when furniture gets rights too!" says Rose. "I hope to live one day to tell my great grand tables about the harsh treatment I received. No one should have to spend their last days on wobbly legs because movers broke them, that's for sure."

© June 2003 The Snooze. All rights reserved.