Toenailology

...let your feet determine your life!

By Catherine Rubino

June 29,2000

Toenailology is the study of toes and their respective nails. It determines the course of your life depending on the shape and placement of your toes as well as how your toenails are cut. It is similar to Astrology, only it analyzes your feet rather than Uranus.

The lovely thing about toenailology is that you can willfully change the course of your life by trimming your toenails just so. For example, toenails that are cut across blunt and straight signify a very practical person. If you would like to add frivolity to your life, try painting your toenails! However, beware. Regularly painted toenails signify someone who, in an attempt to look pretty, wastes a lot of time. Remember, pretty people are busy people. Someone who actually has time for a full pedicure is lazy and vain, whereas someone who never cuts his toenails, as he's on foot daily and they just break off due to rough terrain, is generally very active.

Toenails come in all shapes and sizes. Big toenails that curl up at the ends (see diagram), often signify the monsoon season. One with these toenails should consider a career in weather forecast.

If you are prone to ingrown toenails, which occurs when the toenail is cut too short, you should consider a career in the military. On the other hand, if your toenails are long and pointy, you should consider a career in Airline ticket reservations and sales.

Finally, the actual shape of the toe, and distance between the toes, makes a difference. lf your toes are short, fat and round, you should consider working at a bank or making doughnuts. If your toes are tightly placed together you are uptight. Try adding some space to your toes and maybe you'll give yourself a little breathing room.

Substantial space between the big toe and the next one over signifies you'd be good in science, whereas no space means accounting. If you can wiggle all of your toes separately, that denotes musicality. If you have corns on your toes, you should probably stop telling bad jokes, because you're starting to be just plain "corney." If you clip your toenails in a rounded fashion, you should consider a career in dance.