Gay High Starts Domino Effect

By Catherine Rubino

Enrollment for GAY HIGH in New York this week incited intense debates and protests across the country. The original fear was that gay high schools would be coming out everywhere. But that has not held true. In fact, now high school students across the land are demanding that their high school meets their birth rights.

"We were born this way!" Say many signs.

The most vocal of the protestors were groups of DORKS demanding their own school. "We are teased incessantly at high school," Says one Milton Finklestein. "Hey, dweeb. What's with the pocket protector?!" "Nobody even uses pocket protectors!" chimes in Gladys Hopkins. And says Miltons' brother Bart, "New York is full of DORKS! Why aren't they standing up for us and demanding DORK HIGH?!"

Also among the complainers, fat students. "FAT HIGH FAT HIGH FAT HIGH FAT HIGH!" sang some of the protestors, who were taking turns getting off of the benches and waving their signs. Although some were portly, they had beautiful voices.

"What about us? We were always singled out?!" says one BURN OUT. "We got in trouble constantly. We need our own school, yeah, BURN OUT HIGH, and we can ditch class together!"

Says Erica Diamonds, a gorgeous blonde with long legs and tight tush, "I was popular and I didn't want to be. I was always whistled at, gawked over-- by students and teachers alike. Everyone had an opinion of me ranging from envy to lust, jealousy to admiration. I did nothing to attract all of the attention. All I wanted was to study and learn." Now there's a new movement GENETICALLY BLESSED HIGH for beautiful people everywhere who simply want to read.

"It's anti-discrimination," says Tyrone Jack, an african-american. "We fought so hard to be integrated into the community and have suffered so much to get the right. Now we've got groups choosing to be separate. All I can say is education is not educating."

Of course all of this is creating real problems. GAY HIGH's theatre department has a new crisis, who will star in the musicals? FAT HIGH is running out of Nutty Bars at an alarming rate. DORK HIGH has had to limit after school hours on the grounds due to very boring conversation. BURN OUT HIGH has record low attendance, some didn't even show up for final exams and GENETICALLY BLESSED HIGH has been swarmed with photographers begging kids to quit school and try modeling. Seems every talent scout in town has stopped searching parks and night clubs and now waits in the high school lot. It has become a real mess.

With all of the NEW HIGHS going up across the country, who's left in the original high schools?

Well the children of parents who think all of this segregation is cry baby and backwards. "Hey, my kids a dork, has a bad haircut and homosexual tendencies. I tell him, hey, too bad. Go to school and shut up."

"My daughter has very bad pimples but I refuse to send her to ZIT HIGH. She very much wants to go and be a pus pus girl. You know, dance and root with the team mascot POCK MARK at the football games at CRATER FIELD? But I said no way. No one ever feels like they fit into high school. Deal with it. That's life. There's no ZIT FACE ONLY corporation out there. You're going to grow up one day and have to be out in the real world. Learn to deal with it now."

In another turn of events, FRECKLE HIGH has had serious problems with their recent segregation attempt. During enrollment over the summer the school became packed with students, but come winter they're trying to disqualify some of them because their freckles have faded. "It's a sham!" says one naturally freckled faced freshman. "I mean, I've had freckles all my life come rain or shine, and now I finally have a school where I fit in! No one makes fun of my freckley face. But then in the winter, all the summer tans fade and away go their freckles. It's not fair. Now we freckle faces stand out again. That wasn't the point of FRECKLE HIGH." Many freckled faces have voiced similar complaints. This has forced the non-freckled imposters to be sent to the nearby ANOREXIC HIGH. ANOREXIC HIGH has a sort of revolving door system. Students are periodically sent to ST. EDNA's HOSPITAL for nutritional treatment. Once their body weight is back in the triple digits or they can lift a bag of flour without falling over, they get to return to school-- usually taking the place of a new ST. EDNA admittee. But ANOREXIC HIGH, though providing fresh spring water throughout the day, doesn't have lunch break and the formerly freckled students want sandwiches in the afternoon. ANOREXIC HIGH has been the subject of controversy before, when a handful of formerly freckled students turned SCHIZOPHRENIC from the trauma of seeing walking corpses all day. To add to the problems, SCHIZOPHRENIC HIGH is completely full with a waiting list.

There is no telling what is going to become of all this. And the much larger problem looms ever closer: What do you do with a fat gay dork burn out who starts sunning, gets freckles, becomes beautiful and then an anorexic schizophrenic? What's the right high school now? Well, hopefully they'll be able to rise above it all, graduate and get a real job in New York, something like law or politics.

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