Ask An Eggspert

by Catherine Rubino

We asked Dr. Jar Ifelteet where the fascination with artificial breastscame from. He explains it as this:

In the 70's young girls would accompany their mothers to buy Leggs Eggs Pantyhose at the grocery store, and their mom's gave them the empty eggs to play with. Naturally, a girl attempting to look like her mother, put them under her shirt to pretend they were her bosoms. Now that medical science has made it possible to go a layer deeper than the carter's undershirt, we're doing much the same thing. Pretend bosoms are a baby boomer's generational thing. However, this medical breakthrough has actually opened up a new market for the South of the border businesses that had previously been dying empty eggs leggs containers to make Easter party favors. Now it appearsthat Christ has risen again, with yet another miracle.

Q: But Dr. Ifelteet, wasn't one half of the egg smaller than the other?

A: Yes, that is true. So we've mixed and matched the egg halves which is why we have two sizes, Grande and Venti, inspired by Starbucks Coffee.

Q: Can you still knock on them?

Dr. Ifelteet laughs.

A: Well, you don't want to try it, I mean, if they're not yours. I can, because, I'm a doctor, and, well, my patients trust me. But I will admit we're still working the kinks out Which is why I do check them at every office visit.

Our interview is interrupted by a recent patient of Ifelteet. He takes this opportunity to demonstrate. "You see, I approach the patients bosom and go like this." He taps a gentle 'knock, knock.' Suddenly, and without warning, Nurse Hoozethare enters with a banana. He seems irritated and ignores her. Apparently they've been through this before. He nods to me to resume our interview.

Q: Are they still hollow?

A: That's the beauty of these eggs. They're light weight and always keep their shape.

Q: But what about breast feeding? Does it interfere with that?

A: Lady, you ask a lot of questions. Look, you can't have it all. And besides, if you can buy baby formula at the KMart, wouldn't you rather look good? Get with it. Who cares if you can't nourish your young, men you thinkare pigs will whistle at you! What would you rather have?!

Q: A fat happy baby, thank you very much!

A: You would want a fat baby. You know why?

So you have more company.

Q: Hey! Did you just call me fat?!

A: Well I'm not exactly calling you skinny--

Q: Let me tell you something, Ifelteet. Ever since you've gone into the fake boob business, you don't know what a real woman's figure looks like. Real boobs come with a real butt. Thank you very much. (Not that I've been sampling doughnuts, see investigative column-->)

A: I'll be the judge of that.

Q: Hey, I don't need you judging anything about my body. Conversations like these inevitably lead to conversations about penis size and, might I add, that doesn't change with aerobics or Jenny Craig. So let's just notget into it.


Dr. Jar Ifelteet shares his practice with Dr. Tuxin Flabb, Dr. Nick Entuck and Dr. Mellon Farmer all of whom refused to comment.

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© October 1998 Catherine L. Rubino. All rights reserved.