Artists in the Brush!

By Catherine Rubino
How come people are always looking at paintings of naked women?

And how come artists are always painting them? Sure it has been argued that the female form is one of the greatest works of art and it should be revered and cherished, to paint it is the highest compliment. Others say if you can master the form, you can draw anything. Still more say, because we are all human we can sense when a nude is painted "right" or "proportional" or "believable." Of course I say it's just another excuse to see a naked lady.

"Bouguereau, Durer and Botticelli, they were all known for their nudes. Nude Bathing, Bathers, Nude in the River, Three Nudes in the River, Mother and Child Bathing in the River, Nude Pouring Bucket of Water Onto Other Nude as Nudes Stand By Watching etc.

Did it ever occur to anyone that in those days there was no indoor plumbing and women had to bathe in the river? Isn't it time we just admit that these artists were actually neighborhood perverts who, while painting a nature scene, found themselves the lucky witness to a hot, sweaty housewife descending to the river for her weekly bath? or luckier still, to a swarm of smelly village women who agreed to help each other with hair washing? If they had any decency, they'd've left the ladies alone, like Monet, and gone and painted something else. (Of course it's rumored that Monet was nearsighted and had he seen the nudes, he'd've hung around too.) Instead they lurked behind the trees in the woods, knowing the water was really cold, and waited for the action.

But these were not models or objects d'art. They were regular ladies who cooked, milked cows, beat dust out of rugs, farmed, washed floors, did laundry and raised kids, all without indoor plumbing (or, might I add, deoderant). And by the time they got so desperate for a wash that they actually went to the freezing cold river, they stunk. That's why these painters were painting and not collecting parfume samples. Imagine if that's what we had on display at the museum. Botticelli's Venus in Half a Bottle Scented Cologne. What did Venus smell like when she went down to the river for a bath? Now you can smell like it too! Imagine going through a Smell museum. Who'd want anything old, I ask you. I say we do away with perverts. I say we do away with making a living selling paintings of women with BO. But who's listening to me. Even today, we've got perverts looking in windows and setting up hidden video cameras in people's bathrooms and bedrooms and watching via sattelite at their own homes, and even selling these videos. A lot of people make money off of naked women. So what has changed?

A least then being a pervert required some technical skill.

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