Schwarzenegger Finds New Position

... in governors' office

By Catherine Rubino

This morning Californians were surprised, upset and excited to find out that their state will now be run by someone accused of butt pinching. As one voter said, "It's a nice change from butt kissing." Although those complaints are valid and Arnold has acknowledged them, there have been absolutely no complaints about the integrity of the voting machines. For once the hanging chads were well hung. Vote counters in Florida readily agreed. Granted they're retired, but that only gives them more time to look. Especially Hazel Goldsteins' Society for Retired Bridge Champions.

Arnold's policies have already created quite a stir. For one, he's making shin implants tax deductible.

Gray Davis admitted some of the States problems were his fault while others were not, but he agrees that in California nothing beats a muscular build and tight ass. He has also allegedy become so bitter he is no longer able to hide his native accent, Polish.

In his consession speech he said, "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em!" He passed the governor's books to Mr. Schwarzenegger and pinched Maria as he left the podium.

Meanwhile, Cruz Bustamente has been in the shadows and is upset that the first four letters of his last name didn't cause any scandal. For the next election in the hopes of getting at least one front page headline he will go by Cruz Boobsaplente.

In an unusual turn of events now that Mr. Schwarzenegger is governor of California, Mr. Davis will play himself in the box office mega hit "The Terminated."

After the fanfare, Gray Davis was spotted signing up at a gym and has allegedly purchased a case of self-tanning cream.

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